You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
