I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
