what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
