His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
