I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
