if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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