I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
