Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
