you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
