I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
