Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
