Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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