the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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