she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
