After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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