Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
