why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
