The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize