I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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