I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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