If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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