"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
