If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
