i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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