In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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