Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
