If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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