I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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