I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
