final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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