I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
