How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
