the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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