I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
