P.S. I can't hear my feet
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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