Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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