i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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