Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
