youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
