I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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