dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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