I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Randomize
