its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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