She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
