My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
