Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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