do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
