At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
