Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
