Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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