Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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