i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
