literally had 100 drinks last night.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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