My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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