Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
