Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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