My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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