oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
