Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
